Your Fonder Heart

A big thanks to everyone who called to comfort me, to calm my nerves and anxiety over the stresses of commencing the 'grand finale' . Had I written this on Tuesday after school, it would have been d r i p p i n g with sarcasm ; however, just twenty four hours laser I find myself illuminated . I thought I needed to be comforted with all the right words, to have someone find a way to tell me that I'd be okay. Nobody's diction was well-selected enough for my likes, though. The lack of ease - the encounter with reality - shook off my summer skin. Now I'm back to who I've always been, sitting on the fence of mediocrity. Independant . I don't need you, although I miss you. That's not changing, I don't need to justify the devoid feeling you've left me with, but we'll be back to how we were before long. And I sure as hell don't need you . I'm bigger than that, I'm my mother's daughter, through and through, good and bad. Suck it, ...

It's happened before, I've lost heart. Too many critics, there's no room left for true believers these days. Neoclassicist bastards trying to s t a m p my freedom into conformity. I've watched too many lovers' backs when they walked away as I changed yet again. Famous for it's shape-shifting - changing , if you will - are the ever mysterious octopusses. A ten-foot tip to tip octopus can fit into a 2cm diameter hole. Shape changing. These mollusks can change with such freestylin' dexterity because they have no backbone . This is inpiration through self-inflicted ignorance ; this is ignorance through a delusive shadow of bliss.

The last time Kingsley counted his chickens before they hatched, none of them hatched, and he'd already spent two grand betting they would. They say you shouldn't count your chickens before they hatch. "You know what they say," Kingsley's mother used to tell him. Kingsley knew everything 'they' said (and he was sick of hearing his mother say it too). She always told him to pee before he left the house. His mother was always trying to kill two birds with one stone - something Kingsley knew a thing or two about (killing birds that was). Kingsley's mother never had to pee before she left the house - she never left the house. Some say she was an alcoholic, some say she was a nutter. Some other say one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover. Kingsley was not like his mother, he was more like a shark - he always had to be moving, or else he (felt like he) might die. This family was not a particularly stable one. And nobody knew where Kingsley's fat...

How does one measure the weight of their boots? Our feet are measured in length by the length of the last, measured in inches, multiplied by 3 and minus a constant, which further differs for men's shoes, women's shoes, and children's shoes, and which nation you are buying shoes from. This is rather complex. Further yet, how is length measured? Inches, yards, feet, miles. Milimeters, centimeters, meters, kilometers. Nanometers? Micron, ångström. Seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, decades, centuries. Light-years. How do we decide what we measure in length, and furthermore, what unit we use to measure it? I've decided to measure the weight of my boots in length, because of the seemingly endless opportunities for variation. My boots are heavy because of the distance between happiness and now.

I am not a yes or no answer person. I wear very heavy boots, even in my sleep. I am not a happy person, nor a sad person. I am too intense too often, and my emotions are not forecastable. Surprises are really awesome. I feel like floating when I take walks under deciduous trees, because as Peter Im said so himself that they are sexy at all times of the year. I like to see them, to write under them or in them or about them, to photograph them, and to sit or walk or nap around them. Trees make my world a better place. My disillusioned world. Mine.

I will not live your rectilinear text book life. I will not go to your prom to have your perfect end to your perfect high school years. I will not enjoy the high school feeling of the local college, attending classes with all my friends, spending my free time with all my friends. Friends change faster than the seasons, but at least the seasons always change back.

When I judge you, it's not based on what car you drive. I didn't see you pull in. I didn't hear the tunes blaring from your pimped speakers. I didn't see you strolling in your pimp sneakers. I don't know where you got your shirt, nor do I care to know how much you paid for it. Your hair looks fine, I wouldn't notice if it didn't. I'll judge you when you open your mouth. Do you speak your mind, do you have any of your own thoughts to speak, do you believe, do you sympathize, do you think objectively and admit when you are wrong and try to be a better person each time you screw up, do you wait, do you change the world, do you change your view, do you hurt, do you heal, do you fly, do you drag along the bottom until the heat from the Earth is too great and your skin begins to melt and your hair smells like it's burning and you scream but you're too far down to be heard? Do you try?

Do you know if you've misplaced a certain personal belonging? Perhaps, true love ?

You are solid gold. I want to climb trees, to inspire you, to cry over a movie, to have someone to direct these feelings toward. to listen to the weepies, to feel like I used to about damien rice, to quit my job and love nomadic, to share my life of love, to read to you, to sleep in the sun, and to express. I'd like to watch a sunrise and feel good about it, to not watch the time or watch the door. Longing i am drinking coffee, it's raining, i'm reading, and listening to my monthly playlist. i put down my book because i'm not following it, because i'm thinking of you. you're too fantastic ("Don't be so amazing or I'll miss you too much." -Lime Tree; Bright Eyes) you're beautiful, poetic, romantic, cliche, charming, endearing, vivacious, synthetic, translucent, humorous, light hearted, senile, oblique, and i want you to be all mine all mine all mine all mine. not even all mine, i'd share you, just mine when you can be. that's what i ...