Your Fonder Heart

My solar vitamin reaction is fantastic. I've been smiling and enjoying. Picking up worms off the side walk and placing them in the grass. Watching basketball star help physics star carry his catapult home, for no apparent reason. Finding a dog in my garage. The inspiration for a best friend's birthday present. Being in love all the time, rather than never being in love at all. Skinny love.

Maybe creepy, definitely awkward, sorta sans sanity I can make two promises that I believe are true. WON.) I am not anything close to a stalker. Or even obsessive. Just interested. TWO.) I feel I need to tell you what I'm going to tell you, because if I were in a position such as yours and someone else were me, I would definitely be interested (among other things) to hear such a tale. I live in a moderately populated small city / big town near Vancouver, Canada. I work at a movie theater, and get maybe 6 customers on an average Wednesday night. So I keep myself busy. One day my manager / good friend Robyn was reading Sex Drugs and Cocoapuffs, and I proceeded to take it from her midway through my six hour Wednesday night shift. I got about half way through it before I went home that night, and finished it before Thursday morning. However, I skipped the chapter about The Real World (because I do not care and do not plan on caring any time soon) and on basketball (because I am disinte...

your expressions your sentiments your feelings your words your love your life contrived

You know when they say "it hurts in places I never knew could hurt"? Those places hurt all the time. It's the places that are meant to hurt that I can't feel, or I feel like I can't feel them, sometimes they hurt even more then the non-places that always hurt, but it feels like way too much hurt for one person to bear by herself, it's a feeling of sadness, a constant melancholy, an invariable despondency that contaminates the marrow of my soul. I feel sad, all the time. Quote: Bright eyes to bat and hide behind.. just for show -Matthew Good

Life isn't black and white, life isn't red cars and heavy boots; life is grey, and I'm awake .

things in unnecessary amounts of packaging, how female turkeys in America have lost all maternal qualities because of artificial insemination, friends who keep telling me to quit smoking, friends who don't tell me to quit smoking, being identified as a lonely person, when beautiful people do the ugliest things, limitations, when pencils break, how i need a new laptop but love the way I've decorated the one i have, when I'm running late, time in general, graduation / uncertainty / unsuccess, that bad movies are so popular, gravel in my shoes, Will Farell movies, not recycling, people without manners, water stained pages, forgetting, how first impressions are always lost on me, smells that stick, women who still wear lip liner, minimum wage, when soulseek has bad days, people who leave water splashes on my bathroom counter, not being inspired, the ease with which my mood is swayed by the weather, home sickness, cabin fever, being so cold my bones start shivering, when scissor...

Because I don't want to live two lives anymore. I can't be an old soul in the modern world. I have to find a medium where I can be an old soul in the modern world. This is the modern world speaking; this is the modern world telling me I have to condense, abridge, combine, consolidate every aspect of my life into one detail that I should focus all my energy on. Like some people do with work. Or with sex. Or with celebrities. Or with fitness. Or with eating. Or with organizing. Or with counting. This is the modern world speaking. This is the old soul speaking. Before 1900, it wasn't a problem if somebody was a social recluse, they weren't mocked, teased, looked down upon, or thought to be particularly crazy. Many were considered scholarly, intelligent people who couldn't be bothered socializing with normalcy, only the most exclusive philosophers and savants were considered to be worthy company, and even then, rarely. So why is it such a bad thing for me to want to be ...