Your Fonder Heart

I love the coast the most. Feeling under the weather, perhaps, the sky is solid grey. I'd prefer some rain or shine. A plethora of feelings backstroking through my blood stream, unidentifiable feelings, uncategorized emotion floating through the mind of an organized person. Time to myself with some slow songs courtesy of Belle & Sebastian. Time to think about some suffering and some growing friendships. Lots of homework to do, it's time to expand my mind in a negotiated direction. You force me to go to school, I choose what I will learn. I can learn on my own, I have meters of books to read, and millions of conversations to share. Microwave another cup of coffee and tell me how you feel.

The only time I've ever been in love lasted ninety minutes, and I believe I was asleep for an hour. I was in the airport. Red eye flight. It doesn't matter where I was going. I found myself an empty boarding terminal to get some shut-eye and some peace and quiet before the catastrophe that is a fifteen hour flight. She must have been doing the same thing. I don't think I even noticed when she sat down beside me, not until she pulled my headphones out of my iPod and attached them to hers, introducing me to something Finnish and poppy. We didn't say anything. I fell asleep at this point, the left side of my face stuck to her pleather purple bomber jacket. When I woke up, she was painting my nails and humming. I asked her what colour it was supposed to be. The colour you feel when you listen to Ryan Adams in the rain. Are you intentionally trying to make me fall in love with you? Absolutely.

I have this reoccurring dream I keep meaning to tell you about, but it's just never the right time. If I told you when we were going along well, it might ruin things. If I told you when we were on the rocks, you wouldn't care. It's a dream that should be like real life, but our real life is dream like. In one version, you are a machine not a man you are meticulous and malicious. You are forward and sincere, you know I've always appreciated your sincerity. You destroy me so completely that I don't have the chance to see your back as you walk away. I don't want to wake up from these ones, they're definite and certain, always unlike myself. In another version, you are subtle, I am caught off guard. Sultry and sinister. Always achieved with subtlety and ambiguity, always left open ended. I am left wondering if it really happened, waking up in a cold fear, the fear of being alone. Waking up alone, like nobody wants to, but we always do. They are both reoccurring,...