Your Fonder Heart

I love the coast the most. Feeling under the weather, perhaps, the sky is solid grey. I'd prefer some rain or shine. A plethora of feelings backstroking through my blood stream, unidentifiable feelings, uncategorized emotion floating through the mind of an organized person. Time to myself with some slow songs courtesy of Belle & Sebastian. Time to think about some suffering and some growing friendships. Lots of homework to do, it's time to expand my mind in a negotiated direction. You force me to go to school, I choose what I will learn. I can learn on my own, I have meters of books to read, and millions of conversations to share. Microwave another cup of coffee and tell me how you feel.

The only time I've ever been in love lasted ninety minutes, and I believe I was asleep for an hour. I was in the airport. Red eye flight. It doesn't matter where I was going. I found myself an empty boarding terminal to get some shut-eye and some peace and quiet before the catastrophe that is a fifteen hour flight. She must have been doing the same thing. I don't think I even noticed when she sat down beside me, not until she pulled my headphones out of my iPod and attached them to hers, introducing me to something Finnish and poppy. We didn't say anything. I fell asleep at this point, the left side of my face stuck to her pleather purple bomber jacket. When I woke up, she was painting my nails and humming. I asked her what colour it was supposed to be. The colour you feel when you listen to Ryan Adams in the rain. Are you intentionally trying to make me fall in love with you? Absolutely.

I have this reoccurring dream I keep meaning to tell you about, but it's just never the right time. If I told you when we were going along well, it might ruin things. If I told you when we were on the rocks, you wouldn't care. It's a dream that should be like real life, but our real life is dream like. In one version, you are a machine not a man you are meticulous and malicious. You are forward and sincere, you know I've always appreciated your sincerity. You destroy me so completely that I don't have the chance to see your back as you walk away. I don't want to wake up from these ones, they're definite and certain, always unlike myself. In another version, you are subtle, I am caught off guard. Sultry and sinister. Always achieved with subtlety and ambiguity, always left open ended. I am left wondering if it really happened, waking up in a cold fear, the fear of being alone. Waking up alone, like nobody wants to, but we always do. They are both reoccurring,...

I woke up from that sleep that comes right before the real sleep and found myself with an unexplainable thirst and an acute awareness of how dry my hands were. I spent eight hours earlier tonight with my hands under running water, the water achieving more in sixty seconds than I ever will. My skin is itching dry now, trying to remind me that it is still there, it is still a part of me, it to deserves to be taken care of. I drag myself away from my pillow and get a cup of water, I drink it and refill it, I drink it and refill it, I drink it and refill it. I have to water the roots, my roots, inside is thirsty and outside is wilting. Water is unique to our planet. I don't feel comfortable not understanding why skin dries out after washing dishes a lot, but gets soggy and expands when you're in the bath. Or why the inside of a pot lid is different than the outside, it looks like a completely different material, but it isn't. It just looks different. Is there a purpose? Is it s...

Have you got a light? Can I spend the night?

WHEATY-KEEN NARCISSISTIC LA CREME DE LA CREME MONOPOLIZED 'SOULED OUT' (loves) THE COAST THE MOST THE GREATER GATSBY UNDER THE WEATHER, ABOVE THE ATMOSPHERE NOT IN LOVE WITH THE MODERN WORLD MILLIONS OF MEN WITH BLANK FACES THE FUTURIST COFFEE AND CIGARETTES, the key to success.

Summer's ending and I can feel myself becoming better. Setting standards and working progress. "I told you to be patient, I told you to be fine; I told you to be balanced, and I told you to be kind." I'm getting there, Emma. I'll stand up straight, although my back hurts. Practice patience and keep the bigger picture in mind. Spend less time as a narcissistic contrived histrionic white girl. Workin' on it.