Your Fonder Heart

Thursday, April 24, 2008


Life isn't black and white, life isn't red cars and heavy boots; life is grey, and I'm awake.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Heavy Boots

things in unnecessary amounts of packaging, how female turkeys in America have lost all maternal qualities because of artificial insemination, friends who keep telling me to quit smoking, friends who don't tell me to quit smoking, being identified as a lonely person, when beautiful people do the ugliest things, limitations, when pencils break, how i need a new laptop but love the way I've decorated the one i have, when I'm running late, time in general, graduation / uncertainty / unsuccess, that bad movies are so popular, gravel in my shoes, Will Farell movies, not recycling, people without manners, water stained pages, forgetting, how first impressions are always lost on me, smells that stick, women who still wear lip liner, minimum wage, when soulseek has bad days, people who leave water splashes on my bathroom counter, not being inspired, the ease with which my mood is swayed by the weather, home sickness, cabin fever, being so cold my bones start shivering, when scissors stick together because people don't understand the concept of cut then glue, going to school when I'm sad, how sad i feel when candle wicks drown in wax, having a domesticated pet, when people go to the movies alone, green bananas, over-use of the words 'random' or 'awkward', that RM is leaving me, that she is taking JC with her, people who don't spay / neuter their pets / careless pet owners, how under-used 'faux-pas' is, the jokes you (plural) make, Capitalizing Every Word In A Sentence, dirty / streaky windows, Ivory soap 'proverbs', the gap between the rich and the poor, harshin' my mellow, being doubted, cockroaches, stiff pillows, stray dogs, half children, aeroplanes, how nobody ever claims their favourite car to be a bicycle, the running commentaries some people feel they need to include for every picture they add to an album in facebook, hangnails, slow delivery, the Coalition Against Banning Thailand Grads From Prom, the things we don't understand and aren't going to talk about, the things i wanted to tell you but couldn't, my terrible blood circulation, therefore cold hands, cold feet, cold hearts, procrastinating, paper cuts, longing, my dry soul (or, how i only ever cry due to stress anxiety being overwhelmed and fear, never for good things like people poetry love books movies or stories anymore.), the modern world, wedding photos, how i feel during the spaces between your words, the wrong words (or, how to take it out on the wall when you can't find the right ones), nothing better to do than chew gum, "if you'd just stop wishing you felt like that, you'd be feeling something else and wouldn't be wishing you felt like that anymore" logic, my 'unfriends' plan, that guilt floods me so easily (or, I'm sorry i threw water in your face devin), buyer's remorse, getting mad at my cat for wanting to play when i'm reading, when i go an entire week without reading, how I haven't read Jane Eyre yet (and it's the biggest component of my AP final!), how i may not hate myself but i hate the things i do, how Chuck Klosterman has me pinned when he labels Billy Joel's 'lonely' as "the way it feels when you're being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder."

Monday, April 21, 2008

Breaking down. Up?

Because I don't want to live two lives anymore. I can't be an old soul in the modern world. I have to find a medium where I can be an old soul in the modern world.
This is the modern world speaking; this is the modern world telling me I have to condense, abridge, combine, consolidate every aspect of my life into one detail that I should focus all my energy on. Like some people do with work. Or with sex. Or with celebrities. Or with fitness. Or with eating. Or with organizing. Or with counting. This is the modern world speaking.

This is the old soul speaking. Before 1900, it wasn't a problem if somebody was a social recluse, they weren't mocked, teased, looked down upon, or thought to be particularly crazy. Many were considered scholarly, intelligent people who couldn't be bothered socializing with normalcy, only the most exclusive philosophers and savants were considered to be worthy company, and even then, rarely.

So why is it such a bad thing for me to want to be alone all the time?

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this is shit.

adjust your shutter speed now, son
the action is about to start
"on your mark" are you ready?
"on your set" are you nervous?
"go!" are you going to come back for me?


Desolate landscape of a soul

wouldn't it be all rainbows and butterflies
if i could just laminate this feeling so it would never escape
and strangle me into this alienating oblivion again?
unfortunately, unicorns? well, they don't exist.


A heart of solitude and spite

the girl with an appetite for saturated disaster.

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more than rhetoric

What are you trying to salvage from this dejected train wreck heart?


this was March 13

So if my plane crashes, I die of an anxiety attack of food poisoning in Thailand, or just decide to buy a house and live with the Thai, I've compiled a rough draft of my will.

MARIE HERBERT (mother!): the hamster, the (real) cat, my sweet orange towels. Best mom ever, 4srs!

MEGAN HERBERT: you get first choice of all my books, cds, dvds, and clothes. Also, my room. I'll miss you to the max!

STEPHEN JERSAK: all my magazines / cut-out worthy books, second choice of dvds, my scissors and glue and, most importantly, all my pens. Bests.

ROBYN MOONEY: second choice of all books, cds, and clothes. third of dvds. I'd say shoes, buy your feet are tiny. "Ghetto" and my gabe saportta sweater!

TIM FERNANDES: my camera; keep taking pictures of trees for me. My pillows, because you're a college student who needs more sleep. My nexopia fame.

ALANNA GREW: my copies of Everything is Illuminated as well as Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, because you can never have too many copies. My bird seed shirt. The sticky notes on my walls. Any of my shoes that you'd like. My iPod. My knitting classes, so you can finally apply for that ad.

PETER IM: my movie posters, because we're similar like that. All of my dictionaries.

JESS CODE: all my charm and good looks and height (i know you need it! [just kidding]). My lamp shade, which is awesome. And my mollusk shirt, for the same reason. And my piss star bucks bottle, because you hate it!!! And my maraca, because I believe you have musical talent dwelling just beneath the surface.


Am I successful?

I've been living my life giving you a reason to miss me when I'm gone.


Sex, Drugs, and Cocoapuffs

"It does not matter that Coldplay is absolutely the shittiest fucking band I've ever heard in my entire fucking life, or that they sound like a mediocre photocopy of Travis (who sound like a mediocre photocopy of Radiohead), or that their greatest fucking artistic achievement is a video where their blandly attractive frontman walks on a beach on a cloudy fucking afternoon."
(p. 3)

"The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy."
(p. 4)

"And it's not "clever lonely" (like Morrissey) or "interesting lonely" (like Radiohead); it's "lonely lonely," like the way it feels when you're being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder."
(p. 44)

"However, even I liked that record [Billy Joel's Glass Houses] when I was eight. And I didn't like records when I was eight; I mostly liked dinosaurs and math."
(p. 46)

"People have always been depressed, but - during the early eighties - there just seemed to be this overwhelming public consensus that being depressed was the most normal thing anyone could be."
(p. 52)

"But it goes without saying that Michael Jordan could never date Pamela Anderson. That would cause the apocalypse."
(p. 78)

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'cause Pa said so

Well kid, lemme tell ya, I know all about love.
I know it puts ya at the top of the world,
I know it hurts like a knife in the throat,
I know it makes men do crazy things,
and I know that some people fake it.
I know all that, but I still don't know how to love your mother like I should.

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Bottl'd up

I am going to try to do this without swearing. but i'm pretty annoyed / cheezed off at the moment.

this 'thailand' issue, which is actually the 'drinking' issue, which is actually the 'not going to prom' issue.

ultimately, i believe that all 27 of us were told:
-what was expected of us (to not drink because it was a school trip), and
-the punishments (not attending grad activities, which includes prom because prom is a privilege and not a right) if we chose to disobey the rules.

we totally chose to ignore this, due to our own speculation of comments by chaperones, and the application of our teenage distortion to these comments.
we're teenagers, we made any excuse possible to justify having a drink.
in the end, we're the only ones we can blame for this.

and to anyone who thinks that we don't deserve this because all of us on the trip are good kids, take a second to dissect what you are saying. Danielle and Megan, along with the 5 others, are really good kids because they followed the rules. the 20 of us who are suspended and not going to prom broke the rules, and now look at the stink you're raising. do you think your teachers will still respect you the same way after you're being so ridiculous? i don't.

these are not Mr Roger's nor Mrs Pollistretti's rules, therefore they cannot simply wave their hands and dismiss us from our punishments.

and you can sit in or walk out all you'd like, but it's not getting you back into prom.

in my opinion you may as well throw your own prom party, one with pizza instead of hotel food and booze instead of punch. i know you ragers all like your liquor (jk guys, jk).

and all the talking about this, all the tension and drama is driving me nuts.
like, pulling my hair out, cannot handle all this drama, NUTS.
i do not care that i am missing 5 days of school (don't tell anyone, but i actually love it). i do not care that i am missing prom (don't tell anyone, but i actually never wanted to go in the first place).

prom is not a milestone in your life unless you decide it is. i decided years ago that i can live a perfectly fulfilling life without regretting missing my prom because i don't need to get glamorous, sweat it up on a dance floor, and wait in anticipation on a buz to get back to abbotsford for the real party to start. if you just think of aftergrad as the real party, you'll get through it.

i promise, none of you will die without going to prom.
i promise, nobody will have a severely dysfunctional marriage because they missed their prom.
i promise, none of you will miss your chance at ever getting laid because you didn't go to prom (that's what aftergrad is for anyways).
i promise, you'll all be ok.

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