Your Fonder Heart

Life isn't black and white, life isn't red cars and heavy boots; life is grey, and I'm awake .

things in unnecessary amounts of packaging, how female turkeys in America have lost all maternal qualities because of artificial insemination, friends who keep telling me to quit smoking, friends who don't tell me to quit smoking, being identified as a lonely person, when beautiful people do the ugliest things, limitations, when pencils break, how i need a new laptop but love the way I've decorated the one i have, when I'm running late, time in general, graduation / uncertainty / unsuccess, that bad movies are so popular, gravel in my shoes, Will Farell movies, not recycling, people without manners, water stained pages, forgetting, how first impressions are always lost on me, smells that stick, women who still wear lip liner, minimum wage, when soulseek has bad days, people who leave water splashes on my bathroom counter, not being inspired, the ease with which my mood is swayed by the weather, home sickness, cabin fever, being so cold my bones start shivering, when scissor...

Because I don't want to live two lives anymore. I can't be an old soul in the modern world. I have to find a medium where I can be an old soul in the modern world. This is the modern world speaking; this is the modern world telling me I have to condense, abridge, combine, consolidate every aspect of my life into one detail that I should focus all my energy on. Like some people do with work. Or with sex. Or with celebrities. Or with fitness. Or with eating. Or with organizing. Or with counting. This is the modern world speaking. This is the old soul speaking. Before 1900, it wasn't a problem if somebody was a social recluse, they weren't mocked, teased, looked down upon, or thought to be particularly crazy. Many were considered scholarly, intelligent people who couldn't be bothered socializing with normalcy, only the most exclusive philosophers and savants were considered to be worthy company, and even then, rarely. So why is it such a bad thing for me to want to be ...

adjust your shutter speed now, son the action is about to start "on your mark" are you ready? "on your set" are you nervous? "go!" are you going to come back for me?

wouldn't it be all rainbows and butterflies if i could just laminate this feeling so it would never escape and strangle me into this alienating oblivion again? unfortunately, unicorns? well, they don't exist.

the girl with an appetite for saturated disaster.

What are you trying to salvage from this dejected train wreck heart?

So if my plane crashes, I die of an anxiety attack of food poisoning in Thailand, or just decide to buy a house and live with the Thai, I've compiled a rough draft of my will. MARIE HERBERT (mother!): the hamster, the (real) cat, my sweet orange towels. Best mom ever, 4srs! MEGAN HERBERT : you get first choice of all my books, cds, dvds, and clothes. Also, my room. I'll miss you to the max! STEPHEN JERSAK : all my magazines / cut-out worthy books, second choice of dvds, my scissors and glue and, most importantly, all my pens. Bests. ROBYN MOONEY : second choice of all books, cds, and clothes. third of dvds. I'd say shoes, buy your feet are tiny. "Ghetto" and my gabe saportta sweater! TIM FERNANDES : my camera; keep taking pictures of trees for me. My pillows, because you're a college student who needs more sleep. My nexopia fame. ALANNA GREW : my copies of Everything is Illuminated as well as Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close, because you can never have ...

I've been living my life giving you a reason to miss me when I'm gone.

"It does not matter that Coldplay is absolutely the shittiest fucking band I've ever heard in my entire fucking life, or that they sound like a mediocre photocopy of Travis (who sound like a mediocre photocopy of Radiohead), or that their greatest fucking artistic achievement is a video where their blandly attractive frontman walks on a beach on a cloudy fucking afternoon." (p. 3) "The main problem with mass media is that it makes it impossible to fall in love with any acumen of normalcy." (p. 4) "And it's not "clever lonely" (like Morrissey) or "interesting lonely" (like Radiohead); it's "lonely lonely," like the way it feels when you're being hugged by someone and it somehow makes you sadder." (p. 44) "However, even I liked that record [Billy Joel's Glass Houses ] when I was eight. And I didn't like records when I was eight; I mostly liked dinosaurs and math." (p. 46) "People have alway...

Well kid, lemme tell ya, I know all about love. I know it puts ya at the top of the world, I know it hurts like a knife in the throat, I know it makes men do crazy things, and I know that some people fake it. I know all that, but I still don't know how to love your mother like I should.

I am going to try to do this without swearing. but i'm pretty annoyed / cheezed off at the moment. this 'thailand' issue, which is actually the 'drinking' issue, which is actually the 'not going to prom' issue. ultimately, i believe that all 27 of us were told: -what was expected of us (to not drink because it was a school trip), and -the punishments (not attending grad activities, which includes prom because prom is a privilege and not a right) if we chose to disobey the rules. we totally chose to ignore this, due to our own speculation of comments by chaperones, and the application of our teenage distortion to these comments. we're teenagers, we made any excuse possible to justify having a drink. in the end, we're the only ones we can blame for this. and to anyone who thinks that we don't deserve this because all of us on the trip are good kids, take a second to dissect what you are saying. Danielle and Megan, along with the 5 others, are real...